I’m smoking a cigarette to force distance. He knows this and I catch him smiling at me behind his eyes. I want him closer but I want this to be organic. I want to shy away from the inevitability of what we are about to do. We talk. He’s okay with this silly denial of mine, he lets me play my games and I catch glimpses of him looking at me, amused. Curious.
I fold my legs up on the couch and press my feet behind his back as we talk. He’s making me laugh and I realize that I’m really enjoying this moment, when everything is quiet but us. He stands, and I think he’s only going to gesture but he moves towards me and bends down to kiss me. What do I do with this sudden eclipse of a kiss that comes so quick and unexpected? He pulls away and looks at my face, smiling. I can’t help it. I bite my lip, but I still can’t hide that I’m smiling, too. I look down at his hand brushing my forearm.
He grabs my hair and pulls my head back slowly and I have to grin. He’s stopped smiling now and he’s looking into my eyes and I feel like I’m going to fly apart- like a baby that isn’t wrapped tightly enough in a blanket. My muscles and joints feel impossibly fluid- unleashed from the pull of gravity, and I’m entirely transparent to him in this moment. Here, on this couch in this house, with this kiss and this man and this hand in my hair, I have become an entirety of parts without a whole.
He brings my face up to his and kisses me again, this time bringing me up from the sofa to stand in front of him in this body with no center. The rubber bands that hold my knees together dissolve. He lets me pull away from his face as I collapse to the floor, kneeling in front of him. When I look up, he’s smiling again. I don’t think he understands how necessary this is for me.
I’m very aware of my nipples and clitoris as I unzip his pants and slide them down over his hips. His cock jumps out from his boxer shorts and I realize that no matter how many times I see it, I will always be surprised by how big it is. I put my hand at the base and lick slowly, wetting down his pubic hair. I pull away and move his boxers down into the pile of jeans around his ankles. I roll my tongue in large figure-eights around his balls, rub it in the crease between his thigh and crotch, lap up the smell of his skin and soap.
I move slowly and he runs his hands over the back of my head. I lick around the base in broad swaths and look up at him, with his head thrown back and his eyes closed. I move up further and flick my tongue over his frenulum and then rub his chubby, rosy head over my lips like I’m putting on makeup. I notice that our breathing is paced exactly the same right now.
When he looks down and I look up, he brushes the hair out of my face and looks serene. We both inhale deeply and he pushes my head toward him while he thrusts his pelvis forward. I close my eyes as his cock pushes far back into my throat, my tongue swishing side to side, and I reach up to cup his balls. He’s thrusting harder now, faster, and I love the way his glans feels as it pops back and forth through the angle of my throat. I’m so aroused I’m moaning and my panties feel soaked through, but he stands over me and doesn’t make a sound.
I pull back, rolling my tongue in quick circles around his head and then suck hard while I run my hand up and down the length of his shaft. He pushes my shoulders back, my face away from him now, and I can’t think about anything else but how badly I want him back in my mouth until he shoots rivers down my throat.
I look at him questioningly, I can almost see my body there on the floor, my makeup smeared and my hair all fucked-up, my face covered with saliva and pre-cum and arousal. He pushes me back until I’m lying on the floor and makes me wait while he undresses me. He kisses my breasts and runs his hands around them as he moves them together and straddles me. His cock is still wet with my spit as he glides it into my cleavage and starts to thrust. He holds my tits up and together while he fucks them, and I can feel his hands pushing down on them as if he’s afraid he’ll shake them off. This feels so right, like he always knows the perfect thing to do at the perfect time. I love the way this looks from my angle- his penis bobbing in and out of my breasts, burying himself in them and coming out again.
I desperately need to be fucked now, and I focus on his hands- outside of my control and holding me together. I worry if he lets go I will fall apart- an image of a broken mirror, the shards reflecting pieces of a girl- an eye, a wrist, a glimpse of labia, scattered around the floor.
I feel him draw his hips back as he lets go of my chest and puts his hands on either side of my shoulders. He uses his knee to force my legs apart and he holds himself above me, his cock so close to my cunt I can sense exactly where it is, like someone staring at you in your sleep. I am entirely still.
Though the room is silent except for my quick breaths and his slow, measured ones, it feels like the entire world is happening right here in this room at this singular, pre-coital instant. This primal moment he and I are constructing isn’t just representative, it’s creating and destroying and it is literal. The beginning and the end of everything there is.
He moves his hands so that they’re positioned on my neck- fingers reaching back into my hair and his thumbs stroking my trachea gently. I try to collect myself. I try to breathe slowly, try to match his easy respiration.
He penetrates me as he pushes down on my neck. The even pressure of his cock pushing through me exactly matches the steady force of his hands on my throat and I gasp. It feels like he’s pressing my body together from one end as he tries to split it apart from the other. The balance is perfect.
He slides all the way inside me and then thrusts again, sending shockwaves running through me as he hits my cervix over and over. My eyes are open wide and we haven’t broken eye-contact. He’s focused.
I hate that I love this so much- this feeling that comes from this moment between moments, this violent beauty consuming me and making me whole. I can’t tell if I’m coming or not as the edges of my vision start to darken and he eases the pressure on my neck. I don’t want him to do anything to get away from this blurred line we’ve created between sex and death because this is the only time when I am completely unafraid- when he has made me feral.
I pull my legs up over his shoulders and he holds them to one side as he moves in and out of me, penetrating me completely again and again until I think I can’t take any more. I want his body all over me, pushing me into the floor as hard as he can, but he is still calm and quiet as I suffer beneath him, torturing me with the things he knows I want.
He pulls out completely and makes me sit up, my back to the wall. He shoves his cock into my mouth again and I taste the sticky sweetness of my vaginal fluid. As he starts to thrust more violently, my head bangs against the wall with his weight and I start to rub my clitoris with one hand while I put the other one on his ass and force him deeper into my throat. My whole vagina is throbbing and I have an overwhelming awareness of its emptiness as I press my fingers inside it and stroke my clitoris with my thumb.
I’m going to cum I’m going to cum I’m going to cum I’m going to cum…
As if on cue, I feel my muscles contracting faster and faster, and he thrusts so hard I can feel him shake my whole body and my head snaps back. I feel his semen start to run down my throat as I realize I’m entirely lost in the void of this orgasm- both of us together to the exclusion of everything else.
